How Your Fear of Confidence is Standing in Your Way


What do you mean I’m “afraid” to be more confident?! That’s ludicrous! It’s not the fear of being confident, its the fear of everything else!!! I know-that’s what I thought too! But hear me out.

So people tell me all the time, “I want to be confident, but not like over-confident, not like full-of-myself. I mean, I don’t want to be like a narcissist! So here’s the thing: There’s not a “right amount” of confidence, like there’s a right amount of food to eat. You can’t “over-indulge” in self-confidence. Those people you have in your head right now as you’re saying “Melissa, you are wrong. I can think of a handful of people off the top of my head…” No. Listen. Those people in your mind right now, they are not confident. They are quite the opposite. The “narcissist” (which is actually a personality disorder in the DSM) but in the terms that you mean, or otherwise, is actually really insecure. Secure people don’t put others down. They don’t tell the world how wonderful they are, take regular bathroom selfies, or make jokes about others. These are behaviors of highly insecure people, trying much too hard to overcompensate.

Starting to feel more confident about yourself will not somehow, magically make you into a bad person. You will not begin to think you are better or above others because you feel good about yourself. Stop and think about people in your life who you believe to be truly confident people, who you could say like themselves for the most part. Are they not generally loving, giving, and caring people? Usually when people actually feel good about themselves, they want to share this with the world.

On this same topic, though slightly different, I suppose, is the fear of power. Since childhood, we have been groomed to believe that power is a bad thing, because we have learned about people in history who have had power and abused it. So we have overgeneralized and assumed that all power is bad, even personal power.  We so often believe that if you assert yourself, ask for what you really want, express your true beliefs, etc. that we are somehow taking power away from someone else.

This doesn’t even make sense! There is not some defined amount of power and if you are asserting yourself in the world, you are taking from others! But we have long been taught that power=hurt and corruption. However, what we really mean is not “power” it is “force” and “intimidation” which is not at all the same as power. Those who have displayed these qualities throughout history are much like those I talked about above, actually lacking in confidence and feel powerless-using control and coercion to get what they want.

So bottom line here, having confidence, feeling powerful, etc., not bad things. Fearing them is keeping you stuck. Recognize that you will not spontaneously turn into a person other than who you are at your core by embracing these things. You are just finally able to fully express yourself and will start to live a more fulfilling, less scared life.

As always, if you would like some one on one coaching around something related to this or moving through barriers that have kept you stuck, I’d love to talk more with you. Please see my contact page for information on setting up a FREE 60 minute Creating Confidence Strategy Call with me.

Love, Light, and Gratitude,




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