When you were a kid, and you watched romantic movies, did you think about how you someday would grow up and find someone to “complete you?”
I did. Even as a young child, I was obsessed with someday finding love, having a first kiss, and being whisked away by romance.
I had my wedding planned out by the time I was in middle school and the fairy tale life to which I would find someone to “become one” with.
The thing is, no one taught me anything else. No one said to me, “Hey you’re enough on your own and you don’t actually need another person to make you whole.”
So I believed the lie.
And when I got to be a teenager I believed it even more. I was not enough. I was not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough… and so when I dated guys…that was my agenda – to make them want me… so I could “find my other half”. Yeah…no one told me that wouldn’t work out the way I had hoped.
That’s what I had been taught.
Can you relate?
Here’s the thing. There are a lot of lies we have bought about what relationships are supposed to be like, especially on the topic of the “oneness” in a relationship. Whether it’s what we saw on TV, the movies, our friends’ Social Media stories, our family, or the fairy-tales we read as kids. Any of these sound familiar?
- When you are part of a couple-you function now only as a couple. Your individuality no longer exists…you become “one.”
- You have to have the same opinions on all things as your partner.
- You now function as a “we” instead of an “I.”
- When you find someone that will have you, you must hold onto them forever, regardless of how you’re treated.
- You need a relationship to be happy
What if there’s a different possibility?
What would it be like if a relationship could be whatever actually works for you?
Not what anyone else has told you it “has to be.”
I know lots of people in lots of very different types of relationships. Some work really well. Some, not so much. Does it make them unfixable? Not necessarily.
Sometimes relationships just require a shift in point of view. Sometimes they need a good look at what they have become since they’ve been together and how this might be molded in a way that works for both people in it.
But on this whole “oneness” thing… Let me be clear… Becoming “one” with your partner will never end in a more expansive, generative, gratitude filled relationship.
Usually it will end in resentment and feeling as though you’ve lost yourself in your relationship.
When a relationship allows you to continue to be yourself, all the things that make you YOU and follow the energy of creating your life- that is where relationships thrive.
You didn’t choose to be in a relationship with this person because you wanted them to shut off who they are to be with you, right? You weren’t looking for a watered-down version of this person…You wanted them, were inspired by them, were intrigued by them, because of all the traits that made them THEM.
Then why would you become a couple that doesn’t continue to be in allowance of each other as you grow and change?
People ask me all the time why my marriage works. I could give tons of little reasons. But the number one thing I believe whole-heartedly, is that we allow each other to be exactly who we desire to be in the world-and do not try to cut that off or stifle that.
When either of us wants to do something new, get into a new hobby, anything that we feel will expand our life-we don’t go into “No, that’s not possible.” Instead, we ask, “Okay, how can I contribute? How can we make this happen?”
In a relationship you don’t have to agree on everything. And everything doesn’t have to be a fight. You can have different opinions, discussions, ideas, etc…and allow it to expand your worldview-even if you never agree on certain things.
Also, the “We think…” “We feel…” thing is maybe true about some things, but certainly not everything. You are allowed to be an individual and you don’t have to give up “I” because you get into a relationship.
Lastly, you have total choice. You never have to stay in a relationship. Never. There’s something to working to change things when you’re unhappy-but if it seems unhealthy and unchangeable- then you can always choose to leave.
And truly, you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. You can be crazy happy, joyful, and in love with your life all on your own. Love follows joy. Only choose a relationship when it will expand your life and make it greater.
If you’re in a current relationship, but it’s feeling a bit stuck- if it’s feeling as though you have to change one another to be happy-it might be time to look at why you started. Why you fell for each other in the first place, and how to be in allowance of that person. Also, how can you have gratitude for one another for being exactly as you are?
And if you’re single-and looking for the next relationship-what if you changed your points of view about what relationships can be? How might that empower you to ask for something different? What change might this create for your future?
If you’re ready for big change… ready to get this relationship thing figured out? I’d love to talk with you. My clients report, happier, healthier relationships in our time working together- both with their partner and with themselves.
Love, light, and gratitude,