Who Are You Being in Relationship? 3 Ways to Be YOU
Do you ever have moments in your relationship where you’re in an argument, discussion, or something else that’s making you feeling a bit wonky?
Have you ever walked away from your partner and asked yourself, “Who was that, that I was just there? Because that did NOT feel like me!”
When we look at our lives, there are generally moments and/or people that taught us how to be in a relationship, even if we haven’t fully acknowledged that.
Maybe it was your parents (often the case, but not always) or other relationships that you watched closely, without realizing that it was teaching you about what relationship is supposed to look like.
Then some time later, you became an adult and mimicked what you learned. Or…you looked a relationship growing up and decided, “I am NOT going to do THAT in a relationship.” So you came to lots of conclusions about what was wrong with that relationship and vowed to never do them. Either creating exactly the thing you did not want to create or becoming so bound and determined to be something different, that you were unable to see the parts that may have been working.
If you find yourself in constant frustration with your partner, you might ask yourself, “Who am I actually being right now? Me? My mother? My father? Someone else?”
And further, who am I trying to be right now? Is it me? Or someone else? See the thing is-if you are trying to be anything, you are not being you.
Are you trying to be what you think he needs you to be? Are you trying to be some messed up version of what you think the perfect partner is supposed to be? How’s that working for you?
Another great question to ask is “How old am I being right now?”
Are you responding this situation from a place of fighting for or against your parents, from a much younger time in your life? Rather than having an adult conversation? Or are you functioning from a slightly younger version of yourself in a different relationship from the one you’re in now?
When we go into conflict, we sometimes revert back to younger versions of ourselves, because we were never taught how to do conflict in a kind, caring way so we go back to what we know, what was shown to us, or what we decided worked. And maybe it did work then, but it doesn’t now. At least, not in the way that the outcome matches what you’d like your relationship to be. Part of this, is feeling out of control, much like many of us felt as kids. So we resist and react or judge harshly to try to feel as though we are regaining control but is that really what you desire? A relationship based on power and control? I imagine not.
And where have you made yourself wrong for all of this? What if you’re not wrong? Or right? Or any other judgment you’re putting on this? What if it’s all just choice? And if it’s just choice, then you can change it.
Choices are not things we make once then we have to stick to them for all eternity. Instead, you can always choose again. You don’t like what that choice created? Cool. Stop beating yourself up over it and choose again. It’s when we go into the wrongness of us, that we get stuck. So instead of trying to go back in time (good luck with that), choose something new now.
Some tools:
1. You might ask yourself, “If I was being me here and choosing for me, what would I choose?”
This doesn’t mean that you now only think about you and not your partner. Quite the opposite really.” When you are having a heated discussion, contemplating going outside of the relationship, or anything else, ask yourself, “What will this choice create?”
And we don’t always know exactly what the choice will create in terms of an answer-but we can get the energy of what will occur, and then you have the space to look at whether this is the energy you would like to create as your life. Make sense?
2. Be in total allowance of your partner.
What does that even mean?! Well, for every judgment you are aware you are having, think to yourself, “Interesting point of view, I have that point of view.”
And for every judgment he is having of you, think to yourself, “Interesting point of view.” Why? Because when you go into reaction-whether it be to align and agree or resist and react, you make it a solidity and it cannot be changed. But when you use” interesting point of view,” you are space and there’s nothing to push back against.
People will choose what they choose, and we can’t choose for them or make them choose what we want them to choose. When we push at them what we would like them to choose, they feel even more compelled to resist against it.
But when you are in total allowance of them, first of all, you feel better, but second, they no longer feel the energy of control from you, so they no longer need to assert their power/control to choose against you. You still with me here?
3. Lastly, destroy and uncreate your relationship every day.
Not literally “destroy it,” but every morning say, “I destroy and uncreate my relationship with _______.” You can do this with other people in your life too…and actually with everything in your life…but that’s a discussion for another day.
When you destroy and uncreate your relationship, you now leave space to start new every day. You’re no longer holding onto what happened yesterday and there’s no resentment from what happened 5 years ago…if you choose it.
We cannot change our past choices, we can only choose again. Therefore, it’s not super valuable to you to keep holding an old choice over your own head or your partner’s. Instead, start new every day. See what that creates.
These tools come pretty directly from Access Consciousness ™. You’re getting me right off a 3-day Access training and they are super fresh in my mind. However, I will tell you that I’ve been living these tools the last year and a half or so, and they work. Don’t take my word for it, if you truly desire change in your relationship, try them… See what happens.
I’d love to hear from you. What have you tried? Where are you stuck? Would you like some coaching around this stuff? Let me know how I can contribute to more ease in your life.
Love, light, and gratitude,
Melissa
